| Q. I got married for the first time when I was 20, and it | | | | that hurts. Talk to someone about it - a trusted friend |
| lasted less than two years when my wife left me for | | | | or family member, a pastor, or even a counselor.After |
| another guy. The day my divorce was final, I left for | | | | you have talked about it, try this trick. Picture a movie |
| college and have not spoken about it since. Now, five | | | | screen. Divide the screen in two, vertically down the |
| years later, I've just graduated college, started a great | | | | middle. On the left side, picture your ex-wife in black |
| job and will be marrying the woman of my dreams | | | | and white; on the right hand side, picture you and your |
| within the year. I should be happy and excited about | | | | fiancee in bright, bold colors. Now, begin to imagine the |
| my future, but I find myself getting more and more | | | | picture on the left getting smaller and smaller and more |
| depressed, and now I'm even scared to get married. | | | | and more blurry, until it's about the size of a postage |
| What in the world is wrong with me?A. You didn't use | | | | stamp. Next, imagine the picture of you and your |
| these words, but I think you're asking: "How can I be | | | | fiance filling the entire screen in bright, bold, vivid |
| feeling this way?"My question to you is: How could you | | | | colors.This is a good exercise for helping you move |
| not be feeling this way?You got married at 20, an age | | | | from grieving the past to living in the present and |
| when most of us don't have a clue about how to do | | | | looking forward to the future.2. FearI hope you have |
| this marriage thing. This is why the failure rate for | | | | chosen a mate a little more carefully this time. The |
| marriage at age 20 or younger is 85 percent. Your | | | | older we get, the better we tend to be at picking a |
| ex-wife left you for another man. That hurts, and not | | | | partner. That's one reason why the older you are, the |
| just a little bit. You immediately dived into college and | | | | greater the chance of a lasting marriage.But don't |
| tried to forget about the hurt. Sometimes that works, | | | | depend on just having chosen better. There are two |
| but most of the time it does not.Now college is over | | | | other steps you need to take. First, get your hands on |
| and you're getting ready to try marriage again. So, | | | | everything you can about relationships, marriage and |
| again, how could you not be feeling depressed and | | | | being a great husband. We're lucky that we live in a |
| scared?There's at least two major issues here:You | | | | society where we have access to so much education |
| are struggling with a delayed grief reaction, not having | | | | about relationships.Finally, if you and your beloved have |
| dealt with the loss of your first marriage; and, as you | | | | not already had some premarital counseling, do so. |
| prepare to get married again, I bet you are more than | | | | Good premarital counseling can significantly increase |
| a little frightened that all the bad stuff will happen | | | | the chances of success in marriage. You can learn so |
| again.1. Delayed grief reaction.Divorce hurts. Betrayal | | | | much about each other as well as tools to help deal |
| hurts. Not talking about it hurts, too.Congratulations on | | | | with the challenges that come to all marriages.In your |
| your degree and all the hard work it took to get it.But | | | | case, it also would be a good place to voice some of |
| you still have a little bit more work to do, even though | | | | the struggles and concerns you are having. I urge you |
| it's in the past. There are two things we need to do | | | | talk to your partner about your struggles because she |
| with the past - make a place for it, and put it in its | | | | already knows there is something going on; she just |
| place, which is behind you. You have to do the first | | | | doesn't know what it is yet.It's better to let her know it |
| one before you can do the second. If you don't make | | | | has nothing to do with her than let her think |
| a place for the past, it comes back to bite you, which | | | | otherwise.Visit for tips and tools for creating and |
| is what is happening now.The good news is that you | | | | growing a great relationship. You can also subscribe to |
| don't have to go through a lot of weeping and | | | | our f*r*e*e 10 day e-program on how to enrich your |
| gnashing of teeth to put this behind you. First, allow | | | | relationship today, from relationship coach and expert |
| yourself to feel the sadness. Remember, this stuff | | | | Jeff Herring. |
| hurts. Admit to yourself that you lost someone and | | | | |