| Q. I got married for the first time when I | | | | someone and that hurts. Talk to someone about |
| was 20, and it lasted less than two years | | | | it - a trusted friend or family member, a |
| when my wife left me for another guy. The day | | | | pastor, or even a counselor.After you have |
| my divorce was final, I left for college and | | | | talked about it, try this trick. Picture a |
| have not spoken about it since. Now, five | | | | movie screen. Divide the screen in two, |
| years later, I've just graduated college, | | | | vertically down the middle. On the left side, |
| started a great job and will be marrying the | | | | picture your ex-wife in black and white; on |
| woman of my dreams within the year. I should | | | | the right hand side, picture you and your |
| be happy and excited about my future, but I | | | | fiancee in bright, bold colors. Now, begin to |
| find myself getting more and more depressed, | | | | imagine the picture on the left getting |
| and now I'm even scared to get married. What | | | | smaller and smaller and more and more blurry, |
| in the world is wrong with me?A. You didn't | | | | until it's about the size of a postage stamp. |
| use these words, but I think you're asking: | | | | Next, imagine the picture of you and your |
| "How can I be feeling this way?"My question | | | | fiance filling the entire screen in bright, |
| to you is: How could you not be feeling this | | | | bold, vivid colors.This is a good exercise |
| way?You got married at 20, an age when most | | | | for helping you move from grieving the past |
| of us don't have a clue about how to do this | | | | to living in the present and looking forward |
| marriage thing. This is why the failure rate | | | | to the future.2. FearI hope you have chosen a |
| for marriage at age 20 or younger is 85 | | | | mate a little more carefully this time. The |
| percent. Your ex-wife left you for another | | | | older we get, the better we tend to be at |
| man. That hurts, and not just a little bit. | | | | picking a partner. That's one reason why the |
| You immediately dived into college and tried | | | | older you are, the greater the chance of a |
| to forget about the hurt. Sometimes that | | | | lasting marriage.But don't depend on just |
| works, but most of the time it does not.Now | | | | having chosen better. There are two other |
| college is over and you're getting ready to | | | | steps you need to take. First, get your hands |
| try marriage again. So, again, how could you | | | | on everything you can about relationships, |
| not be feeling depressed and scared?There's | | | | marriage and being a great husband. We're |
| at least two major issues here:You are | | | | lucky that we live in a society where we have |
| struggling with a delayed grief reaction, not | | | | access to so much education about |
| having dealt with the loss of your first | | | | relationships.Finally, if you and your |
| marriage; and, as you prepare to get married | | | | beloved have not already had some premarital |
| again, I bet you are more than a little | | | | counseling, do so. Good premarital counseling |
| frightened that all the bad stuff will happen | | | | can significantly increase the chances of |
| again.1. Delayed grief reaction.Divorce | | | | success in marriage. You can learn so much |
| hurts. Betrayal hurts. Not talking about it | | | | about each other as well as tools to help |
| hurts, too.Congratulations on your degree and | | | | deal with the challenges that come to all |
| all the hard work it took to get it.But you | | | | marriages.In your case, it also would be a |
| still have a little bit more work to do, even | | | | good place to voice some of the struggles and |
| though it's in the past. There are two things | | | | concerns you are having. I urge you talk to |
| we need to do with the past - make a place | | | | your partner about your struggles because she |
| for it, and put it in its place, which is | | | | already knows there is something going on; |
| behind you. You have to do the first one | | | | she just doesn't know what it is yet.It's |
| before you can do the second. If you don't | | | | better to let her know it has nothing to do |
| make a place for the past, it comes back to | | | | with her than let her think otherwise.Visit |
| bite you, which is what is happening now.The | | | | for tips and tools for creating and growing a |
| good news is that you don't have to go | | | | great relationship. You can also subscribe to |
| through a lot of weeping and gnashing of | | | | our f*r*e*e 10 day e-program on how to enrich |
| teeth to put this behind you. First, allow | | | | your relationship today, from relationship |
| yourself to feel the sadness. Remember, this | | | | coach and expert Jeff Herring. |
| stuff hurts. Admit to yourself that you lost | | | | |